I’ve written before about my friend Ron’s dating escapades. He’s now in his 60s, and it’s been quite eye-opening to reenter the world of dating after a marriage of over 30 years.
At the advice of his kids, Ron signed up for Match.com after his divorce was final a few years ago. There he quickly found a Christian woman named Sherry, whose favorite books were Rick Warren’s Purpose Driven Life and Living Courageously by Joyce Meyer.
“This is my kind of woman!” Ron confidently told me before his coffee date with her at Panera Bread.
But things didn’t exactly go as he had hoped. The first thing he noticed was that Sherry looked at least 10 years older than the pictures she had posted. Hmmm…pretty disappointing, he immediately thought.
However, Ron is a nice guy, and he decided to at least engage Sherry in some friendly conversation. After some small talk, he asked, “So, how long ago was your divorce?”
Ron thought this was a pretty easy, straightforward question. But her answer stunned him.
“Well, I’ve been married four times,” Sherry informed him, “and for a while I also lived with a guy I wasn’t married to.”
Ron’s jaw probably dropped at this point. But she went on to say she had eight children and fifteen grandkids, attributable to her various marriages and boyfriends.
Yikes, Ron was getting queasy. How did things go so amiss in his attempt to find a wholesome Christian woman? While the conversation was running its course, he couldn’t help envisioning Thanksgiving dinner if he married Sherry. How would he be able to figure out “who’s who” among the kids and grandkids—not to mention remembering who everyone’s daddy is?
This was a rough start to his online dating experiences, no doubt. Yet Ron wasn’t about to give up. He continued spending time on Match.com every day, trying to find suitable prospects for dating and eventual marriage.
Things didn’t get any easier in the following months, though. One day he was having a nice phone conversation with a woman named Sarah, and they seemed to have some things in common. But he started getting uncomfortable when she mentioned her distress that her son was gay and had married his lover. Once again, Ron started envisioning Thanksgiving dinner, and he wasn’t sure how he would respond to the family dynamics of Sarah’s son and the guy he was married to.
Then he had another coffee date, this time with an attractive woman named Sheila. But her husband had died of HIV, her father had been shot to death and, once again, Ron felt there was just too much baggage for him handle.
Ron says one of his favorite dates was with a woman named Linda. She attended a good church and clearly had a strong relationship with the Lord. But the conversation took a difficult turn when she described her daughter’s bipolar personality disorder and the incredible anguish it had caused her. Some days her daughter loved her, and other days her daughter hated her, making Linda’s life miserable.
Another disappointing date occurred when Ron went out to dinner with a woman named Sarah. She had been a single mom for many years and was now agonizing that her 16-year-old son had become a neo-Nazi skinhead, hating Jews and believing all sorts of conspiracy theories. She had no idea how to convince the young man of his erroneous views—and neither did Ron.
Eventually Ron had some relationships that were more than a one-time phone call, coffee date, or dinner. He says some of these were with very nice women, but he just couldn’t see himself spending the rest of his life with them.
Recently Ron and I took time to review his dating experiences, hoping to glean lessons for others entering the dating scene in their 50s and 60s. Here are five lessons we came up with, but perhaps you can add some insights from your own experiences:
- Dishonesty is rampant. While it’s understandable to “put your best foot forward,” it’s sad there are so many outdated pictures and misleading online profiles. Also watch out for the out-and-out scams that target online daters. Despite your hopes for “love at first sight,” be careful to verify that the person you’re dating is who they say they are!
- Baggage is rampant. Ron chuckled that many woman on Match.com describe themselves as “baggage free” and “drama free.” What a joke. He concluded that it’s virtually impossible to be a divorced person in your 50s or 60s without accumulating some baggage along the way.
- Our OWN baggage is rampant. Like many men, Ron initially thought all the baggage was on the female side of things. Yet after some painful breakups, he had to admit that his own baggage was often a large part of the problem. Just like landmines under the surface of the ground, he discovered emotional scars that were triggered in pressure situations and close relationships.
- Sexual temptation is rampant. Ron was a virgin when he got married, but he admits that sexual abstinence is a lot harder these days. Perhaps this can be attributed to several factors: (1) Loneliness in being single after many years of marriage; (2) feeling like “time is running out” to have a close, intimate relationship; (3) the amazing willingness today of many women (even longtime Christian women) to engage in sexual activities with men they aren’t married to.
- Not everyone really wants to be married again. At the beginning of his online dating journey, Ron assumed anyone on Match.com or eHarmony was there in search of a marriage partner. Surprisingly, it turned out that many people were more interested in dating than marrying. Why so? Some are fearful. No one wants to enter into another unhappy marriage. And some prefer the freedom of not having to answer to anyone. Instead of being tied down, they would prefer to “keep their options open.” And, once again, Ron had to come to grips with his own commitment phobia. “I have a pretty good life as a single guy,” he told me. “Why run the risk of another bad marriage?”
What About You?
If you’re in the dating world today, my heart goes out to you. I sincerely hope you’ve had an easier time than my good friend Ron.
Although I could attempt to provide all sorts of spiritual platitudes and additional advice, let me close with just a simple reminder from Scripture:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths (Proverbs 3:5-6).
I wish you well on this perilous journey!
This internet dating can be a piece of work. I enjoyed the article.
Well, once again Jim you’ve enlightened your readers to an insightful truth of how to successfully navigate through the quagmire of living for God in a fallen world.
As a 60 year old single Christian woman I can identify with the unique set of “challenges” associated with desiring meaningful companionship at this stage of life. My past experience with online dating was “less than ideal”. For me, it put me in a state a constant longing, questioning, and ultimately I became the victim of my own “witty inventions.” I never actually met anyone face to face, but I had a few online conversations with some “decent” men. I never felt peace about meeting any of these men in person. Also, I encountered a lot of “peculiar” , to say the least, men. I know there are success stories, but I believe they are few and far between. The Lord gave me this scripture concerning the whole “Dating dilemma” … “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing and obtains favor of the Lord.” (Prov. 18:22). If it’s God’s will, he’ll find me.
Great article, my friend. As a Christian Counselor I have heard every story in the book.
For a long time I did not understand why the Bible says, “God hates divorce” but after seeing what can happen to us afterward, it makes more sense. It is like saying, “God hates war.”
I hate war. I don’t hate soldiers, but what it does to soldiers.
I’m reading a lot of judgment between the lines and directly in the lines. I’ve never completed a form for online dating so I ‘m not aware of all the choices of info to share. Seems to me Ron may need to be more upfront with his unrealistic high standards and expectations . In doing so, he may perhaps actually avoid dating anyone. I know that sounds harsh but why is he so worried about Thanksgiving dinner? Seriously. Those mentioned are people with value who are loved by God.
I don’t see Ron’s thoughts as being judgmental – other than judging himself and whether or not he could handle those situations. (Many would find those situations tough to handle.) If he knows he can’t, then he is right to avoid continuing the relationship. It’s common sense. And he is not overlooking his own issues, either.
Dear Jim, that woman in the picture, ew! she looks like trouble.